end kvetch

Macs, productivity, &c.

In Defense of Nadya

OctupletsIt’s pretty rare that a true hero comes along. However, not so long ago, one such shining bastion of humanity came to the public eye: Nadya Suleman. There are so many people out there, people who do have jobs and money and husbands, who wouldn’t put themselves through the agony of pregnancy. However, Nadya recognized that unless we all chip in, the human race will go extinct. With diseases such as AIDS and cancer running rampant and wars raging across the world, underpopulation is clearly a very real concern. We need people like Nadya and her brood to keep humanity from simply dying out. If there had been a Sulemanosaurus, I think it’s safe to say that the dinosaurs would still be around today.

angelina_nadyaThe giving doesn’t stop there though, oh, no. It’s a well-known fact that Nadya has undergone plastic surgery in order to look more like Angelina Jolie. It is truly impressive that she would go under the knife in order to provide that world with another Angelina. While some would say she’s a deluded, obsessed crazy, Nadya is simply doing what should be every patriotic American’s duty– to model themselves after our favorite celebrities. Not only does two Angelinas double the fun, it provides us with a backup. In a world where terrorist attacks are on the rise, our greatest national resource– celebrities– is in grave danger. We are so fortunate that, if anything were to happen to Angelina, Nadya would be there to take her place. I sincerely hope that Obama makes it a priority to designate an understudy for every A and B-list celebrity in the United States.

Never before have I seen such a loving, selfless person. Every woman in America should make it her goal to have fourteen children. If each of these children is assigned a celebrity to model themselves after since birth, we’ll be able to outlast even the most thermonuclear of wars. As the Russians and Chinese die out due to low birth rates, America will plant one foot on the writhing mass of infants that has formed in the Atlantic Ocean and cackle until it can breathe no more.

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